Jan Cox Talk 0394

Walking Away From It

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September 19, 1988
AKS/News Item Gallery = jcap 1988-09-16 (0394)
Condensed AKS/News Items = See Below (needs edit)
Summary = TBD
Excursion /Task = See Below
Diagrams = None
Transcript = See Below (needs some editing)

Summary

9/19/88 0394
Notes by WB

People believe they can’t depend on themselves.
Must forge new partnership where you can depend on yourself.
Make no more excuses. No Retreat.
As if you merged public and private ‘I’s.

Excursion

For NP: for next 3 days, substitute the word “and” for the word “but,” in conversations.


And Kyroot Said…

Those who routinely think of the past, and have their eyes
filled with tears are gonna have their sockets blown out by the
future.

***

All talk is a from of insanity.

***

O.k., all talk is also a form of insecurity. But then you
gotta face the fact that all talk is a form of insane insecurity.

***

The theme song of most Cities is, “Someone’s to blame.”

***

Near one City’s artsy district two young women were talking
and the first one said, “When I grow up I wanna be a Broadway
dancer,” and the second one added, “When I grow up I wanna be a
Broadway singer,” and a kid standing nearby who had no idea what
they were talking about thought to himself, “When I grow up I
wanna be BROADWAY.”

***

Looked at from a certain Revolutionist balcony seat, history
is nothing but a never ending preview of “Coming Attractions.”

***

“Now for our ultimate feature bout, we have in the far-near
corner, weighing in at all the weight possible, the once, future,
and forever champ — existence ITSELF.”

***

Anytime you’re regretting you ain’t revoluting.

***

Then there was this guy who challenged himself each morning
by staring himself dead in the eye in the mirror, and saying,
“O.k., guess what I’m thinking.”

***

In the City, they’re all hanging around just WAITING for it
to happen.

***
Ordinary memory is like a drunken accountant from another
planet.

***

No case has ever been officially recorded of a Revolutionist
congratulating himself… well, except for that ONE instance,
(and then the dude exploded.)

***

Where do all these people come from who continually carp
about, “If we would just apply ourselves we could make a much
better life for us all”?… do they bus ’em in just for this
purpose?

***

There was this bunny whose ears were so long as to almost
incapacitate him, and someone noted, “Ofttimes inbred attributes
can themselves become a hindrance; not at all uncommon amongst
royalty,” and a human hearing this thought, “Then I must be a
pretender to some throne for my brain nearly incapacitates me.”

***

Now don’t any of you leave home and go back into the City
without remembering how to properly use the ole Bit-Town-One-Two-
Punch: First tell ’em, “That’s NOT what I said,” and when they
offer irrefutable proof to the contrary counter with, “O.k., but
that’s NOT what I meant.”

***

Although it can at first sound like a too complex, pain-in-
the-City-ass-approach, a Revolutionist should soon realize that
whenever he finds himself with a desire for someone else to
change, it is ultimately much more efficient to see if there
isn’t some related alteration he can make in himself instead.

***

Overheard this guy say, “Fate is surely a most arduous foe,”
and my own wonderment has always been, if you COULD defeat fate
would you then BE fate?

***

Take note: Your yesterday is someone’s tomorrow, (and don’t
forget to vicy-the-ole-versy).

***

Don’t carelessly attempt to re-heat Revolutionary grub.
***

If it ain’t kinda funny you don’t REALLY understand it.

***


Transcript

#394    9/19/88

Is it possible to actually talk in a way that would be all-positive?
Not in some hocus-pocus Dale Carnegie idea that everybody’s all right,
but why is it that when people want to change, they start off believing
they’re broke and need to be fixed up. Then right beyond the horizon is
this sometimes unspecified dream that not only am I broke and want to be
fixed, but I want to be “super fixed”. But then, as is quite common
with this, is why it gets to be known as New Age and Occult and
Mysticism and super stuff, is many of those people who start out broke
even get worse broke and they’re the ones that believe that “Yes, I
talked to Jesus”. They not only never get fixed, they become more broke
than they imagined they could be when they started.

Its about time that many of you forged a new kind of partnership, one in
which you can depend on you. One of the descriptions of people feeling
broke is that they can not depend on themselves. If you could depend on
yourself, you wouldn’t feel broke, even if you were a city dweller. You
would not be wanting to be healed, to be helped, to be wanting to talk
to somebody, you wouldn’t want to be analyzed, you wouldn’t want to
learn how to chant in a certain way, how to meditate unless you believed
that you feel broken.

If you taking the inability to depend on yourself to the extreme, you
have the neurotic and psycotic, the real fringe of the bell curve back
in the city. That is one description, all the way from the sonomolistic
to those who seem to be rendered inert by some kind of fear or phobia,
or people who are maniacs and are screaming to be tied up. All of that
could be diagnosed by simply saying these people cannot depend on
themselves.

From that extreme into everyday life is still what youre faced with, all
the way from apparent approaches and attitudes you have toward your job,
assuming that your job is not your hobby, but simply how you pay the
rent, there is a continual feeling that I can’t depend on me to do the
job. I can’t depend on me to necessarily be on time on Monday. I
can’t depend on me to always read all the new bulletins and do
everything the company requires. In personal relationships, people
believe that I can’t really depend upon me. In addition to the fact
that people are always shifting the blame around and giving me problems,
there remains the basic feeling, not only that lovers are always hurting
me, but that I can’t depend on me either, because some of it, I’ve got
to have brought on myself. I just can’t depend. I get four or five
drinks, and I try to pick up anything that’s got a skirt on. I can’t
even remember on me to remember her birthday, to remember our
anniversary, a continuing non-stop of “I can’t depend on me”.

The people I’ve turned out of this, the people I’ve turned out and
tricked out, et cetera, they could be looked at this way, that they
could not depend upon themselves. If I said “When did you do so and so,
I told you not to do that, and I told you specifically not to do that”.
Its always a feeling of “Yea, and I did not do it intentionally, I
didn’t do it just to prove I could do it. I didn’t do it to be
spiteful, I didn’t do it to be contrary. I forgot, I slipped, et
cetera”. It is a feeling “I cannot depend on me”.

I would also suggest to you that among the many other delicious, oft
times, vanilla filled reasons for humanity to believe in God, another
great one is, “at least there’s somebody somewhere I can depend on if I
really wanted to, if I could get close enough, if I knew exactly how, if
the time was right that there is somebody somewhere, the ultimate
person, thing, that you can depend on, because I sure can’t depend on
me.

The time has come where you’re going to have to pull yourself together
and you’re going to have to forge a new kind of partnership because if
you belong in this, there is a piece in your nervous system upon which
you can depend. It is almost a new you and it doesn’t have to be some
apparent of satori or enlightenment that is some great flash that
happened to you. For one thing, you’re going to have to quit whining
and you’re going to have to quit believing that there is some particular
problem that you have, there is some form of psychological arthritis.
There is some limp you have, there is some particular time of the day or
the week or the month that you have migraines and all this comes from the
horizontal past, all this comes from your city problems, and so forth.

You have got to reach a point where you can either depend on yourself or
the hell with it! Its the kind of things that I’ve let Kyroot talk
about for many months now such as “A Real Revolutionist would never
blank blank blank”. “A Real Revolutionist would always la de da de da”.
And most of them are down the basis of “do it when you can and do it
when you can’t”. Its simply on the basis that if you’re going to do
something in life, you’ve got to do it, and the something in Life we’re
talking about is not you punching out your mother in law or telling your
boss off. We’re talking about this kind of activity.

You’re going to have to find out that there is a piece of you that you
can depend on or you don’t belong here and its got nothing to do with
reason or ordinary rationale. It has nothing to do with you
intelligence. It has to do with the fact that whether you are suited up
now where you can just force it into a new kind of partnership that is
not this thing of you wandering around every morning or waking up in the
middle of the night and the thing that I’m coming apart, I’m a spider
web and a damn hurricane’s on the way and I could be blown apart.
Everybody could be blown apart, who knows. You’re not going to be blown
apart psychologically. That is, if you don’t grow crazy before you die,
then I’ve got at least this good news, you’re going to die anyway! So
people can come by and say “He sure did put on a lot of weight and got
ugly when he got older”. “Yea, but he wasn’t acting as weird right
before he died”. Maybe they’ll say that, maybe you’ll feel better.

Another way to put it is that if you’re involved in this and you
can make any excuse and it doesn’t almost make you sick, not just
here, not just with me, but even out in Life with people it makes
no difference to, that you would actually make an excuse. Now,
everybody is going to trip, everybody is going to get some form
of arthritis, everybody does forget things and I’m not going into
city ideas of perfection, because that’s only city ideas. Its got
nothing to do with the bushes, but to be actually in Life, doing
something with ordinary people, and just because you’re involved
with this and just because you can even forget that new kind of
partnership, that doesn’t mean that you’re still not subject to
it raining, wind blowing, that is, what other people call
pressures, the flow of Life. So that its not that you don’t, are
not subject to some of the same things, but if you’re not to the
point that there it is that some ordinary person says “I asked
you to do so and so”, and as soon as they start, maybe as soon as
they open their mouth, you know whats going to happen and you
realize “I forgot it”, but you do not give an excuse and there is
more to it than just not giving an excuse, but that is a good
start with most of you.

There has been some success. I know that many of you have become
a little more taciturn and hesitant to make excuses, but then you
have got to internally a feel a new kind of partnership that you
are aware of all this that I was in a situation where I should
have done so and so. I was expected to do so and so, I got the
pay like I was going to do so and so and I didn’t do it, but the
internal, the new kind of partnership in you toward is on the
basis that neither one of you, the partnership has no excuses.
You just don’t deal in them. Its not just simply shutting up.
Stop me of you need to go ahead and reach that point. I mean, like
that’s a big leap that you can’t keep your mouth shut. And just
don’t verbally do it, but there is something else internally
behind it, it is a kind of merging between what a person thinks
and what a person say. Excuses are simply not part of your
currency. Its not part of the way you think. You’re aware of
what they are, the purpose they serve in life, but they are not
part of your processes, they are not part of your partnership.
You do not deal with yourself.

Now, forget about what you’re doing externally, we’ll assume that
you’ve already learned how to shut up. You’ve already learned
how to deal with the city. Sometimes you cannot even shut up in
the city. Sometimes you’ve got to make an excuse to keep your
job. Internally, you don’t deal in it. Internally its
meaningless. It is not part of your partnership. This feeling
that the nervous system is split into two pieces, the part that
thinks and the part that doesn’t think. The mind, and then the
non-thinking mind, the idea of the mind and the unconscious mind,
the idea of man the creature is touch by the cosmic or the god-
like spirit and then the carnal, all of that, throughout history,
down to today to me simply calling it the partnership, that which
anybody can feel internally seems to be at least two of me going
on. If its not two of me right this second, it’s me going on
right now, but that other part of me, he’s just over there
leaning against that post. He’s just hanging out right behind
me. All I have to do is stop for a second and he could take
over. I have to watch it sometimes. I can forget what I’m doing
and I’ll suddenly open my mouth and say something I didn’t mean
to, but its always there.

It can’t always be there. There is no way to slow work on this
because there is no problem that is the basis of man. That’s the
basis of the nervous system and part of doing this is you forge, you
force. That’s why I use the word forge, its not just something you work
on and piece together. And I’m not going to talk about it as being a
gift from the Gods, or a gift from anywhere, is you finally have to
realize that time could be running out. I don’t want to make anybody
feel bad and you’re never supposed to discuss age and its a waste of
time to say the least, but some of you are going to have go ahead and in
the morning when you’re smelling the coffee and watching the roses and
go look in the mirror and realize, “Hey, my life is about half over,
based upon the actuary tables, so I believe I’ll, why not, start today.
I think I’m going to just force a new partnership and I ain’t going to
take no shit.” That’s it.

All these things you’ve been hearing about and writing down, you’ll
suddenly be able to do what it was. But there can’t be any room for
retreat. There can’t be any possibility of surrender. There can’t even
be any discussion of it. Its a fair bet that you’re going to slide into
the grave like you are, so what else could I do? How about this, how
about pull yourself together? How about maybe to do this, that you’re
sure is so spectacular, that you’ve been dreaming about, and you’re sure
is just so far away and it sounds so obtuse and circular. God, if I
could just get my hands on it and do it!

If you had a new kind of relationship with you and you could forge a new
kind of partnership to where neither one of you is ever out of the room.
You don’t ever wonder where the partner, if you’re Smith and Jones, you
walk in and you don’t see Smith and you realize he’s probably in his
office and that’s where the safe is and you’re always worried. Every-time
you’re out of town, you call the office and make sure he’s there, and
you ask the secretary, is he back there in that same room where the safe
is? And everybody takes that personally that there’s something wrong
with me. My unconscious mind is some sort of cesspool based upon the
mistreatment of my youth, and so I can’t depend upon the kind of dreams
and demons, the mythology and I make Bullfinch look like he was a
Presbyterian. I’ve got these strange dreams and these nightmares and
things that frighten me that I’m afraid I’m going to be out in public,
like the Freudian case of the woman who was afraid to eat in public
because she was afraid to ask her to hand her the fork because she was
just convinced that she was going to say “Hand me the fuck”.

Perhaps some of you don’t feel that you are that corseted into that kind
of suspicious, unpredictable activity might come out of your mouth, but
some of you, the end result, after the fact, is the same way, that that’s
what Life is to people going “I can’t believe I said that”. “Why did I
do that?” And so it is not something that doesn’t cause the feeling
that I can’t trust myself, its the same thing. But there is this
feeling that who knows whatever I’m going to do next?

All right, one thing we do know that you’re going to do next is die. We
know that. Chances are most of you are not going to be much richer or
more famous than you are. Most of you are never going to have complete
plastic surgery done. You’re going to look about like you look now.
You’re going to be, if I’ve had any good effect at all, you’re probably,
not all of you, couple of you don’t worry, but most of you should be
getting close enough to realize that health is health and its not a
hobby, and that you’re going to be about as healthy as you are now. If
you’re properly drawn to this, as far as the first part that you’re
going to die, you should be healthy right up close to your dying day.

The Revolutionist normally has got no business something suspicious, to
fall into lingering illnesses. In case any of you want to save money on
insurance, if you actually belong here, you don’t need it because if you
get sick and you’re about to die, I can almost assure you you’re going
to die pretty quick. It ain’t going to be a lingering process running
up big bills and hurting yourself.

So your health may be about what it should be. This may be about it.
Now, why don’t you try to turn your attention to something that might be
able to be done! What else is there internally for you to deal with?
What other kind of useless babble are you going to take from Life coming
through your nervous system, that is, all the dreams some of you have
about “well,I could be rich”, and you still have the dreams and somebody
goes by in a Rolls Royce or a Corvette and there’s this dream that any
day now, somebody is going to jump out of the bushes, like the Mellon
Foundation and say, “Aren’t you a famous writer that nobody knows about”,
and you go, “Yes, and so they go “Well, here’s two million dollars, go
write something famous when ever you get a chance, because we just know
you deserve it”. Either that or you’re going to win two Publishers
Clearing Houses in one year, the Florida Lottery. You have these
dreams and I have news for you, its not true. But part of entertaining
that, of allowing that to be part of your nervous system, to feel like
that is part of the station WMEE, keeps up this fragmented, this
fractured feeling about yourself, that you can’t trust you, because
theres always this part floating around that has these dreams that have
nothing to do with the Revolutionist Reality. Your health, your wealth,
your looks, this is it! When we bury you, you’re going to have about as
much money as you do now, you’re going to look like you do now.

Another description, this is not THE way to do it, I’m trying to give
you something to go on without having to take a complete negative
approach about how you’re broke because you’re not, but this is the
structure of the nervous system. The feeling that you can’t depend
upon is the fact that its part of your nervous system, that is Life
talking to man through the nervous system that passes for day dreams,
passes oft times for dreams, believing this COULD happen. I MIGHT
accidentally be able to execute and realize some of these dreams. Part of
that is in this feeling that you can’t trust you, because these dreams
go on and on and on and on and there is a piece of man that knows that
shit ain’t going to happen! And so you’re left with the feeling, a few
people, that theres so much going on in me, and I thought I had a pretty
good grip on myself, I thought I was not necessarily better educated,
but had a certain turn of mind to even get interested in this sort of
thing and yet the feeling in me is I’m like maybe a 1929 unrestored
rumble seat model A in everything. The shocks are gone. Everything
rattles. You’re not sure whether its going to crank. Its like
internally, I’m either like a piece of junk that’s just barely running.
I don’t know from one day to the next whether its going to run. Its
either that, or I am angel drawers, I am a super delicate piece of gods
work, I’m a little butterfly that could be crushed at any moment. I’ve
always been that way, I was nervous as a child. My mother will tell you
that. You believe in that kind of shit! That the gods have put me
here, probably to inspire the people through my own suffering.

So there’s the feeling that there’s so much going on that I can’t pull it
all together, that there are things that you suddenly do, you have all
your life, you’ll turn around and do something that will get you in
trouble. You keep doing the same thing with your sexual partner or you
keep falling in the same traps with your mother and in Life, that’s
always look, at least nowadays, by sophisticated people, as being the
influence, the uncontrollable influence of the unconscious mind. It
doesn’t matter what its called. Its the part and parcel of the feeling
that I am in partnership with somebody. I was born into this business
that I call me and I’ve got a partner in here, an I don’t know the
partner. And from there, of course, comes the idea “Know thyself” as
the purpose of Life, and in the city, nobody “knows” them self, because
they don’t take it as being them self and all other things I’ve talked
about. You’ve got to get past that, its not broken. There’s nothing
wrong with that, there’s nothing else to study and you can’t even look at
it. You keep looking on the basis that something is broken and I need
to fix up this thing. Its not broken, so it can’t be fixed. Which
again is one of the great cudamatris of Life that something is broke in
me and I can’t move further until I do something about this!

Those born into this simply must make a new partnership. I don’t care
where the old one goes. Don’t ask if its going to give you trouble. If
you’ve got the right kind of partnership, nothing gives you trouble
except what I said — death will give you trouble. The rest of it, the
hell with it!

Your attitude toward you has got to be “Hey, can I talk to you
personally”, and you go “Yea”, and you say “Get fucked!” All of the
baggage, all of the noise you were born with, was not single to you, was
not unique to you. You are not angel drawers, you are not Gods little
butterfly on the wing that’s going to be crushed to inspire others. You
have not been selected by the Gods to some great deed, or if he has,
he’s kept it from me about any of you. None of that, so anything that
springs from that is what I am hinting, pointing toward, behind me
saying your attitude toward yourself should be, “Hey, you’ve got to be
kidding!” “Hey, take a walk, forever!” You don’t say that, but the
thing is you can no longer entertain that as meaningless. And one of
the specific ways I was trying to get your attention aimed at tonight
was the way in which you have got to be able to depend on you. No more
excuses. Not just to be, but to you. Give no excuses. You do trip,
you fall down, you break your ankle, you tripped, you fell down, you
broke your ankle, what do you want? But don’t get up and sing a song
about how “I’ve learned my lesson”, you ain’t learned shit! “Hey, I
tripped because my older brother used to always tell me I was clumsy
when I was growing up and every time he would do it, my father would go
‘Ha ha’ and get a laugh, so now that’s what makes me trip”. What made
you trip was whatever made you trip. Life made you trip. There is
nothing to be said about it. Of course, if you really broke it, you
could say something like “Oh, God!” or something like that, but there’s
nothing else to be said about it. And there’s certainly nothing to be
said about “Well, I’ll never do that again!” Maybe you will and maybe
you won’t. But you’re still bleeding yourself, you are still fueling
the nervous system in the same old way to say anything about it, to say
“Well, I’ll never do that again!” To say “God, I had a feeling this
morning when I started out, I just had a feeling I was going to do
that”. That’s probably one of the great ones because if that was true
and you were anything, then the question had to be, you had to turn on
yourself and say “Well, you dumb son-of-a-bitch, why didn’t you stay
home? And then it says, “I couldn’t help myself”.

All right, that thing can never help itself and when I say that thing,
its not your unconscious mind, its not your evil side, its not the devil
made you do it. We’re talking about the complete partnership. It just
seems to be whatever it is you’ve told me at that time like “I knew this
morning that I was feeling clumsy. I almost knew that I was going to do
that. Don’t blame it on this other thing. Its the old partnership. Its
nobody’s fault. There’s not one aspect inside of a person’s nervous
system that’s doing this. Its life doing this. If Life wasn’t doing
it, you wouldn’t be alive. You would not be breathing, your nervous
system would not be tingling. There would be no noise going on. Life
is doing it, but don’t look, but there is something in me, unconscious
motivations, Gods knows what else, unclean spirits, the ghosts of Jimmy
Hoffa, somethings making me act this way. Its not a something, it is
the partnership itself.

And in the new partnership, you don’t have to look at it as “I have been
reborn as a new Presbyterian, or Jew or Christian or Buddhist”, or
anything. Its simply that its a new partnership.

You don’t have to think about it, you certainly don’t have to analyze
it. Its simply on the basis that henceforth I am responsible, not for
any psychological reason, for any spiritual reason, for any reason,
there is no reason. Its only the people in the city that believe take a
course or read a book that says “You must take responsibility for your
life”. Why? “We’ll tell you why”. There is no why. That was only good
in the city. There is no why to it.

If there were people using the intellect as it should be, the Frips, in
the city, the question would be “Why haven’t you done that before now?”
Why haven’t you, if you thought about it? There is no why. There is no
reason to do it. But you should simply feel that “I can do it”. I can
force myself to do it, and if there is no alternative, there is no
alternative. There is nothing to talk a about. You simply don’t drop
your eyes, you don’t look shy, you don’t look chagrined, you don’t look
embarrassed. You don’t looked primed for a story. You don’t look
honest. You don’t look anyway. That’s the new partnership, and if you
can’t depend on you, you can’t just keep depending and leading on me
forever. You can’t, at times, depend on what seems to be the
information itself, some great idea, that “this will carry me through
another six months”, just that one thing he said, that one thing that
struck me, I see the validity, I see it, I see it. If you don’t do it,
you don’t see. Its got no validity. Its just intriguing. I might as
well be playing the piano, doing a song and dance. Its a kind of
entertainment that tickles the nervous system in people in places that
you can’t normally get it tickled. I’ll admit that, but in-so-far as
having some great effect on you, that’s just going to sweep over you.
There is such thing possible, but you have to have a whole new
partnership, but you are responsible for you and there’s nothing else to
talk about. Nothing. Not with me or anybody or yourself, because the
new partnership doesn’t talk about such things.

As always, you got the possibilities as long as you call yourself a
Revolutionist and your’e considering that retreat is always a
possibility, don’t you understand what that does to you? We’re not even
talking about anything now physical. But in an internal sense, as long
as retreat, and of course, a great way to retreat is to shift the blame.
Or the retreat, if that sounds too direct for you, another form of real
retreat is, “Wait a minute, I can explain what happened”. That’s
retreat!

In-so-far as the implications of retreat, as long as you have got, as
long as you are still accustomed, as long as you will accept that
internally, that nobody else has to know it, because sometimes the thing
that is so terrible that you wouldn’t want anybody to know, just
between you and the little Godsies, about what’s happened to you, but as
long as there’s any form of retreat open to you that I can accept any
excuse because even if I don’t know why, I know that there’s a reason for
what I’ve done and for what I’ve misdone and there’s not. As long as you
stay there, the feeling is that there is nobody upon whom you can
depend, and there is, but you gotta force it. Its as if you take a
piece of Life and you force it, “All right, you’re going to kill me”.
“You birthed me, so I know damn well you’re going to kill me, but I’ll
be damned from now on, from here to there, I’m not going to take any
more shit!” Not going to take anymore prisoners. I’m not going to
take any leaflets that they keep dropping down on us wanting us to
surrender, or at least let us talk about it and associate. Just none of
it. I’m going to do what I want to do and I think I know what it is.
I’m going to do that because I wouldn’t want to do it unless you told me
I could do. I’m going to do it, and as far as the rest of it, go tell
somebody else to get a nose job. Go tell somebody else to lose weight.
Go tell somebody else to work three jobs. I ain’t going to do it. Not
only that, I’m not going to even think about it anymore, and everything
I do think about it, I ain’t going to think about it.

I’ve talked about Life having the same long and short term memory just
as you do and perhaps all the ideas, the dreams of mans immortality,
besides the fear of death, could quite properly to a keen eye, be seen
as the difference between an individual, you, being part of Life’s short
term memory and you croak and its like the pizza you ordered. You
looked up the number and you ordered and they sent it right over and you
hung up the phone and you turn around and you’ve forgotten the number.
You die and you’re a pizza. Could you see that being the basis of
people believing there might be a chance of Life somewhere else, the
difference between staying with Life in the long term sense, memory. If
you’re properly doing this, Life needs to feel you moving. Everybody
else, your own partnership, the old partnership, everybody else is kind
of shuffled around. That’s all you’ve ever been done. Shuffle,
shuffle, shuffle. And sometimes it seems to be the people and goods and
sometimes it seems to be services and ideas and feelings. Because you
look at it as being people. Everything that’s happened to you all of
your life. I can say that to most of you involved with this, you can’t
say it in the city, but there’s a real feeling, its not pessimistic, not
fatalistic in the 3D sense, but you should be able to feel that
actually, that almost everything that’s ever happened to you, whether it
seemed to be good, bad, whether it seemed to be something surprising.
You won an award, you lost an award. You’re a football hero one time.
Whatever it was, can you and the partnership say, “We planned, we
worked, we plotted and we brought it right to this one moment where time
and space came to this great juncture and I was prepared, I prayed, I
fasted, I studied”, but all of you should be able to feel by now that
people got shuffled around and you were in a certain spot there for
about fifteen minutes or so and everybody went “Wow! Its him, how
great, how great!” And you thought “How great, indeed!” Fifteen
minutes later you couldn’t get a dime for a cup of coffee. Even your
friends, the crowd, had forgotten you.

That’s being shuffled. To do something willfully, to be able to actually
forge a new kind of partnership, is what I’m hinting to you behind the
term of me saying that Life needs to eventually feel you move. Whats of
any consequence in you? The stuff you continually daydream about, you
can look upon that as being your own form of you in you. You pay any
attention to it, the noise, the same old clap trap that’s always gone on?
You forget its there until I give some kind of excursion that “Go do so
and so and watch this and that and answer me this question”. You take
the noise as still you! Its the station WMEE, “blat, blare, babble”.
That’s me. Sometimes I hear my stomach rumbling, but most of the time I
hear me. You hear the noise. You hear the nervous system alive.

To take some control over that for no reason, no purpose, there is no
why, and its not on the basis of “I’ll do it if such and such happens,
then I’ll do it”. You just do it. Its then, I’m suggesting, to you,
that Life can feel you move, that you can actually take some move, if
its just a step, because inside of you, what is the only things that
have ever had any effect on you, let us say something involved in your
pursuit of this. When it happened, it was not the ordinary shuffling
around. It was not taking the same old idea. It was not the same
things you had been thinking and dreaming and insisting what was true
and you talking to yourself about for ever and ever and just shuffling
around. When you see something, when you have a moment of almost
turning around the corner, its like internally, something in you moved.
There’s no doubt about it. There’s nothing to discuss. Its not a theory.
And that’s why I’m suggesting to that Life has to got to eventually feel
you move. If not, you’re just a collection of very small cells. You’re
as important as any other bundle of cells. Life doesn’t even feel you
move. In the same way that you don’t feel the run of the mill ideas and
feelings that you have experienced for Life through your own nervous
system. You don’t take them as being of any consequence. Again, that’s
part of the almost frantic clutching that people do toward religion and
the idea of psychology is that it is of no consequence, but people keep
believing. Life makes you just insist that there’s just got to be.
Maybe I’m in the wrong religion. Maybe I haven’t found the right guy
with the turbine on his head. And there’s got to be some great
significance to this and I’ll see it. Back in the city, there’s no
significance to anything, except for people living in the city. And its
all significant, and of course, as you know in the 3D world, now, we can
all sing along, “Its all significant” and “Its all not significant”. So
there you are. But out here, its not significant. Its nothing. Its
noise. Its the hum of the city.

This kind of a form of a new partnership, I’m switching the level a
little bit. I’m going down to something right quick, now, thats more
verbally describable in ideas and maps I’ve sketched out in the past.
And this is not the way to do it. The way to do it is to damn do it,
but those of you who may believe you need something else, one more thing
to think about. “Right”. One more little stone upon which to carry me
across this perhaps dangerous river. You could look upon at least the
outcome of forging a new partnership as being as though you had merged
the private and public I’s in you. That you had combined the
individual and community selves in you. Its like you have merged
together once and for all what you think and what you say, that there is
no difference.

May I remind you from the last time I mentioned this, the merging is not
a 3D to say that you merge what you think and what you say, because then
a reasonable question for the nervous system is “all right, is what you
say now what you think, or is what you think is what you say”, and then
if there was just a spec that you had any possibility of being a Frip, I
would grab you, at least in two places that should be thought provoking
and say, “You almost had it”. Its neither one! But you would go, “Nah,
if you’re going to merge what you say with what you think, then one of
them has to be now the other one”. That is, what you say from now on
has to be actually what you think, right? No, no. All right, then from
now on. . . No, No. That’s why merge is not even the word because in
the 3D world, remember, things don’t get merged, they’re just
inconclusive. They just go on and on and on forever, until you die, and
by some reports, you think they quit. But what happens is you quit and
they kept going on and on and on.

But I am just saying this would be verbally, on a little more simplistic
level than when I started, that there would no longer be that kind
distinction, that experienced distinction in you. Of course, it wouldn’t
necessarily be observable one way or the other, but inside of you, you
would know that what seems to be my private and my public voices have
ceased. There is no longer such distinction. What seemed to be my
individual self and my community, my collective self, to us as being
Protestants or us as being Americans, or whatever you felt. You feel
something, no matter where you came from. That is part of the
collective sense of the nervous system. But that would get merged. You
would no longer be chauvinistic or nationalistic or jingoistic, none of
that. Not because its wrong. Because its blank.

So that would be a manifestation of what I’m using now in the term “the
community” or “the collective” self in you. It would be merged, not in
the 3D sense, would not be now that my individual sense of I has merged
with me being a White Anglo Saxon Protestant. Its that both of them are
gone. They haven’t actually been merged. Your new partnership and
whatever that was, its just not relevant. Its last years pair of shoes.
This is still indicative of what I started out trying to point out that
the forming of a new partnership, the forceful forging of it is not the
putting together of anything. Its a sense of walking away from this,
which is really figuratively speaking, because you can’t walk away from
it. Its in there. Look at it as a walking away from it and from now I
will not deal with myself on that basis. From now on, I will deal with
me with absolutely no excuses. I don’t care what the hell it is. Its
just over, there are no excuses. What happens happens. My old self
always told me the worse thing that could happen was die. If tha’ts the
worse thing that can happen, why the hell have I been dealing with this
shit all my life? Because that’s for damn sure going to happen! And the
rest of it I thought was minor inconveniences, my big nose and my lack
of a Ferrari, I’m probably going to keep my big nose and probably going
to keep my Honda or maybe a Toyota some day, but that’s it. This is what
interests me. This, whenever I get a piece of it, I couldn’t care
whether I had three noses. Every time I get a little piece of this, I
don’t care if I had a car. Got nothing against cars, but it all just
ceases. And to say its a joy and a relief is to take the words joy and
relief and just trample them in the mud.

But as long as you have got any excuse, as long as you have got a rat
hole anywhere. As long as you will entertain the possibility as you
must, if you stay back at that old relationship of you, of accepting any
story, any feeling that I can’t be trusted. If you can’t be trusted,
its over with. If you can’t depend on you, the time comes when you
can’t go any further with this. And you just feel as though, whether
you analyze it this way or not, you’re just riding all over me, and I
can only carry so many people. You’re just riding on me and it just
seems to be fun sometimes and sometimes it seems as if you can almost do
something. “Boy, if I could do something all the time like I can some
of the time”. Yea yea yea. If you can make a new partnership, that you
simply depend on you and tha’ts it. That you finally, in your life, have
made one conclusive statement after all my warnings, which is supposed
to make you see that that’s the way Life is, that you have found out that
I am finally going to put a period on a sentence. I am going to depend
on me, case closed. And if I don’t, somebody is going to have to kill
me. There just is no excuse, there is no way out. There is no
possibility of retreat.